Tag Archives: awareness

Exposed

You shined a light on me

Revealing what I could not see

Maybe I was dumb and naive

Or maybe I was calculated and spiteful

Honestly I’ll never know

I feel so exposed, exposed, exposed

You shined a light on my past

Even my childhood days

Revealing all the ways

All the chaos I’d create

Maybe I was a victim of prey

Or maybe I was dangling bait

Honestly I’ll never know

I feel so exposed, exposed, exposed

You shine a light on the future

Brightness upon a new path

It takes a while to make change last

Maybe you’ll disappear in time

Yet the light is always going to shine

One thing I know for sure

Is that we all must take responsibility

Even for the things we cannot see

Intention is irrelevant

Innocence

Is not to be confused with ignorance

Self-care Sunday ~ an introduction

As much as you may hear about “self-care,” most people do not truly understand what it means, or the importance of it.

Self-care means to take care of oneself, to acknowledge your needs, to check in with your mind and your body.

On autopilot mode, we tend to live too deeply in our heads and ignore our bodies. We let our thoughts take over and control us. The mind is easily manipulated but the body is strong, wise, and has a lot to say. There is so much tension and achy-ness in our bodies that we would rather ignore it and pretend it’s not there rather than address it. So we need to make a conscious effort to listen to our bodies and learn what we need.

Here is how it goes — something bothers you in your mind so you push it away and force yourself not to think about it. When you push it away, it does not magically disappear but instead travels to your body. For example, you are scrubbing harder when you clean, your jaw is clenching when you sit still, your shoulders are squeezed too far upright as you walk — and you do not notice this as it happen. Then the accumulation of tension builds up to the point where your body is screaming at you and now you finally notice, but by now it’s too late.

You can live more in your body by:

  • Exercising more, participating in more physical labor-related tasks. Do not spend your whole day sitting down.
  • Stretching
  • Feel your breathing by repeating “inhale” in your head as you inhale and “exhale” in your head as you exhale.
  • Drop your shoulders as you walk but keep your chest held high
  • Spend a moment thinking about a specific body part, ex your stomach. Simply bringing awareness to a body part helps you live in your body.

**Living in your body is one of the many ways to practice “grounding,” which causes you to feel more present and relieve anxiety.**

Continue reading Self-care Sunday ~ an introduction

Be yourself

We have all gone through times when we lose ourselves. When we try so hard to impress someone that we end up doing the opposite. Because if somebody actually likes you then they will appreciate you for who you are. And you need to be yourself. But this is easy to forget.

Sometimes it’s a really great thing to lose yourself because it makes you truly understand the person who you actually are. You may be fighting hard for something that you don’t even want. Exhausting yourself and not getting any energy back in return.

When you finally do come back to yourself, things make more sense. During childhood when you felt pressured to change yourself and struggle with it, you eventually realize that there was a good reason you were built the way you were. And all your “flaws” people tried to tell you that you had, were actually your greatest threats to them.

Theres so much pressure to please others. We go out of our way to make someone happy, who doesnt even care. And then the people who do care — you take it for granted and take all that stress out on them. One day they will be gone and may never realize how much they meant to you.

Getting too tied up in other people’s energies gives me brain fog. I lose clarity and focus — which is really the exact opposite of who I am. It’s not selfish to pull yourself back or set boundaries. We all need space to recharge — some more than others.

People will get offended when you draw lines. And while that anger may be a valid emotion, it should not be used in a manipulative way to repair your bruised ego. We have all had moments when we crossed someone’s line and let that be a lesson for anyone else who tries to do that to you.

Everyone makes mistakes but not everyone can learn from them. I don’t think it’s ever too late to start over. Also I don’t think there is a limit for how many times you start over. Whenever you are feeling hopelessly stuck, it is the time to make purposeful changes. If you want to see a change in your environment then you have to start with changing from within.

And all of these “changes” are actually the things that bring you back to your sense of self. It was the person you have been all along, before everyone else told you who you needed to be. It is in your core and will never be truly lost.

You need to be the person you are meant to be. It will offend a lot of people — the ones who don’t care, the ones who judge and critique, the ones who wish they had courage to be themselves. But it will open your eyes to who actually matters.

So many people just want things from you. Whether it be emotional energy such as constant validation or ego strokes, or physical energy such as your time or money. It’s not okay to keep giving these things with nothing in return. You don’t owe anyone anything, which may be hard for some to accept, but we have all been on both sides of the spectrum. We know it’s immediately hurtful when people draw lines, but in the long term it leads to respect.

It’s uncomfortable to stand your ground which is why so many choose not to. It takes work to open up your eyes and see your surroundings for what they are. This is what it means to turn off autopilot and expand your awareness. When you sleep through your life, you let the wrong people take from you and you don’t give enough to the ones who genuinely deserve it. Are you just satisfying people’s egos or are you telling them to wake up and see their own souls? There are times when you need to put your own ego at risk of looking bad in order to truly cultivate soul growth, which is exactly what this planet needs.

I am writing this for myself because I need to remind myself. It’s so easy to forget. But I hope that anyone else can understand. If you ever feel stuck then that’s how you know you’ve fallen into a habit of making solely subconscious decisions. We underestimate how much we are controlled by our subconscious and therefore sabatoge ourselves.

If you want to have awareness then you are going to need enough energy to keep your eyes open. I’m not talking about chugging caffeine to make it through the day. I’m talking about the type of energy that comes from your heart, the things that excite you and give you life. Surrounding yourself with people who respect you. If you want to figure out who cares, it’s not those who say it through words — but through little details that you can only pick up on if you care enough.

We all have to make it through the mundane. So when I am talking about excitement, it does not necessarily refer to a flashy and glamorous lifestyle. Life is a heavy thing and all of that Hollywood big city glamour is a distraction and cannot compare to the satisfaction of excitement that bubbles from deep within the soul.

And so, I remind myself that truth is the way. My indecisiveness disappears as I become aware of my surroundings and my own self.

Day 24: write about a lesson you’ve learned the hard way

I have learned the hard way that it is important to be aware of your actions and your effect on people. Sometimes we do things totally subconsciously and then play innocent when we see that we have hurt someone. But just because you don’t realize what you may have said or done, you don’t see the extent of how you affect your environment, that is no excuse. You have to open your eyes and look back on the past and become aware of what you were doing. When you make someone feel something, they are going to make you feel it back, and you learn where they were coming from and why they may be upset. You may think “it’s not a big deal, they have no reason to be bothered by this,” and then it comes back to you, and you realize “sure I have no reason to be bothered by this, but it still bothers me.” Sometimes no amount of rationality can shut down your emotions. It’s not like you have to walk on eggshells — just have awareness. See yourself from an outsider’s perspective and ask yourself how you would feel in that position. People are more sensitive than you realize and if somebody means a lot to you then they deserve to be treated with extra care.

Lifelong struggle with anxiety

I think that everyone in this world can say that they have gone through some sort of struggle with anxiety. But it certainly affects some more than others, to more intense degrees. And everyone deals with it differently.

I can say that it has directly affected my health since before I could even understand the concept of anxiety. As a child I used to grind my teeth so hard on a daily basis. There’s a school photo of me at 4-years old and you can actually see red marks underneath my bottom lip. At 5-years old, I had to get my two front teeth pulled out. Years following, even into my teenage years, I faced several more trips to the dentist to get teeth pulled.

It was irrational, and still is. What did I have to be anxious about at 4-years old? I had an average childhood and no significant traumas. It’s not something that could be explained away by my environment.

Anxiety is something so hard to describe. It’s the feeling that everyone is staring at you and ready to criticize. It’s the pressure of meeting standards that you will never reach. It’s feeling like you need to hide yourself from others because everything you do or say is wrong. It’s too much.

There is too much focus on the external rather than the internal. You could have “the perfect body” and “the perfect job” and the picture-perfect family portrait, and everyone around you would assume that everything is just as perfect for you on the inside. You could also have an ugly body and a crappy job, even no family, yet total peace of mind… and everyone around you would assume that you’re unhappy. Nothing is as it seems.

I can lie to myself and say “I have this and that, so there’s no reason to be anxious.” I did that for so long and it only worsens it. I am so grateful for all the blessings in my life but it has also taught me a beautiful lesson that no matter how pretty you paint something, all that glitters is not gold. There is no amount of money that can fix anxiety. You can buy products or medications to temporarily ease it, but all that does is strengthen an illusion.

Many people have ironically told me that I am calming to be around. Maybe that’s because I’ve been in so many situations where I have been forced to control my anxiety because it was too strong. I’ve been forced to find better coping mechanisms because it has pushed me so far. Every now and then I do totally crack because I forget to remind myself how much trouble my anxiety can get me into. It has the potential to destroy myself and those around me.

And so I have to remind myself about that little girl who was so anxious all the time that she grinded her teeth. I may not grind like that anymore but it’s not because the anxiety has disappeared — it is just better at hiding itself. And when something is hidden, it has more strength and control over you, because you underestimate it. I must keep that awareness.