I am free

I don’t want to be hurting anymore. I knew that I had to feel my pain in order to release it all. It was just nonstop crying, and now the well has dried. No tears left to cry.

I think society demonizes pain because as much as the pain sucks, it also comes with the power of creativity. When you crave to escape from the real world, you find your imagination becoming stronger than ever, as you create your own world full of so much hope and magic. I’m telling you, the great movies, and music, and artwork that’s out there came from a person who was in deep pain. Happy people don’t make beautiful art, because there’s no need for them to run away from the world. Disconnecting from reality can be a wonderful thing, this is where you find the magic, all this art in the world is the reason why we stay inspired and keep moving.

But you have a choice with pain, you can wallow in it and let it swallow you whole, or you can let it take you to a higher place. It’s just such a waste of this short time on Earth, letting painful situations bring you down.

Women are people, and they do not have to be baby-making machines, they do not have to be wives. Women can have careers, they can be leaders, they can start their own businesses. I have been celibate for a very long time, and plan to remain that way for the foreseeable future. If dating around makes you happy, then do it! But don’t tell me that I need to be dating someone. Do not tell me that I need to be physical with anyone. I do not have any interest in becoming attached to someone who is just going to waste my time and energy.

If I become a mother to a child one day then that’s what is meant to be. Right now I still embrace my motherly side in other ways. I am a mother to my pets. I am in the process of becoming an official trainer at my work, in that sense I am mothering new trainees and watching them grow and then setting them free, and it’s oddly enough a very spiritual experience. I am mothering my creative projects. To give birth to an idea and watch it materialize into its own physical entity is incredible.

Life does not have to be so heavy, it is only temporary. Keep yourself detached from the physical world because it’s only an illusion and someday it will be gone. Life is so much more fun when you see that all of it is an illusion. We are all creators. We are simply visitors in this body for the time being.

With my health issues coming up, I feel I am being called to focus more on myself, to put my own needs first for once! If I’m not taking care of myself, then I am burdening others — so self-care is not selfish. The person I would like to know best is myself, because I am stuck with her for life, so it would be ideal to have a healthy relationship with her. My body may be falling apart, but I am not defined by my health issues. I treat my body with honor and respect, but at the end of it all, it is not mine to keep.

6 thoughts on “I am free

  1. Thanks for sharing. I particularly related to self-care and how important it is to have a healthy relationship with oneself. I wondered if I could re-post this on my blog, with a link and credit to you? I write and share stories about anxiety and sensitivity.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Laura,
    I really like how you follow your energy around, no matter where it goes — around the corner, down a dark alley, under a warming sun. That’s pretty darn brave. I’ve been thinking about you while reading your last couple of blogs and see that your energy is going places and bringing new feelings, thoughts and understandings. Your writing is very distilled, in the best possible way, so it feels like I’m (and others reading) are next to you while you explore and examine. I’m glad you’re so dedicated to finding your healthy ways. I especially like what you said about being motherly in different ways (roughly paraphrased). That’s so true. Keep well and I’ll see you in your blogs!

    Liked by 1 person

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