I want to get kind of personal today. I mean, this is technically a personal blog. I generally try to write more about facts and stuff, or make up fake stories. But from time to time I do like to give a personal update since I haven’t been on Facebook in years, now not even on Instagram. I know most of my viewers are people I haven’t ever met, some from across the globe, which is awesome. And then there are also a handful of people I do know, very well or maybe distantly.
Anyway, I guess I haven’t really written directly about the fact that I am single now and have been for a while. Although I did write a post about how I would be moving out and living on my own, that was last April (you know, right when we all got quarantined… great timing…) I can also tell you that my relationship first ended in March of 2019 (you know, exactly one year before covid-19…), although there was really no technical end date… you could say it ended far before that or after that… but the point is that I moved out in April 2020.
I don’t like to talk about breaking up, don’t like to blog about it. But blogging has become a valuable therapy for me so as uncomfortable as this may be, I’m choosing to put this out there. I want no disrespect towards my ex-partner and I won’t ever be saying anything negative about him or doing anything childish or petty.
Hopefully this is not TMI, but let me totally say that my love life has been a complete mess lately. I am not going into the details though. I really just want to say it out loud, I am single. And the reason I say it is not for attention or to attract anyone, genuinely to find acceptance. I probably should not be with anyone right now which is why I’m trying hard to stop forcing anything. As cheesy as it sounds, I really am focusing on myself right now, I’ve made so many horrible mistakes and as much as I whine about it I also know that I probably deserve it. I am hurting, but in a growing-pains way, so please no sympathy.
Am I secretly craving that fairytale happy ending, yes of course. Am I freaking out about aging and stressing over my maternity clock, yup certainly. Am I wishing I could just start a family tomorrow, yes I am. But at the same time I am trying my best to find acceptance with my current situation and be happy with who I am. Do I feel like being single right now is my healthiest option, yes I do. I’m not closed off to love (even though it may feel like that at times…) but my main focus right now is loving myself and loving God because that’s what’s truly important. That’s the healthiest thing I can do right now.
Letting go of the past has nothing to do with rushing towards the future. Letting go of the past means living in the moment. If I try too hard to rush forward and if I obsess too hard about what’s to come, I’m still living in the past. But when I embrace myself in the present moment, and I stop stressing over the future, only then, is it possible to let go of the past.
I also want to add, I know I’ve said this before, but to enforce the fact that the poems I write are just feelings, they aren’t truth. It’s my form of therapy, just like my main blog. Sometimes I really regret my poems but I decide to leave them because they represent feelings not facts, and feelings are ugly and uncomfortable and contradictory. So I’m leaving it for now but let me know what you think.
~Love, Lotus Laura.