Today I’m drinking lavender, which is one of the most calming teas.
People have told me I have great strength to remain calm in frightening situations. This is why I like to work with animals, because I can feel their fear, but instead of letting the fear become amplified, I have the skills to calm down the animal and make it feel safe. It’s scary dealing with animals, knowing they can easily hurt you, but I understand it all comes from a place of fear and these animals are not evil, they’re completely innocent. So I force myself to remain as calm as possible, and it makes a difference, and the animals respond much more nicely.
Similarly applied to my real life, I am ready for peace. I feel that I’ve been overly persistent, banging on locked doors, trying to force things that aren’t there. I have so much confusion and so many questions, but I can accept that I’ll never find the answers, and that’s the beautiful struggle of life. I keep overthinking, yet it’s all so much simpler than I make it. I’ve been acting like I have control over my life, and I really don’t. All I can control is what I respond to verses what I leave behind. And if something makes my heart glow and gives me excitement, I should walk towards it with faith, without any judgment. And then if something feels off, if something brings more confusion the harder I try to solve it, then I have to let it go.
I really don’t know what’s ahead. In some ways I look back at the past few years and feel like I’ve wasted so much. In other ways, I look back at the past few years and can’t believe how much progress I’ve made and how much I’ve grown up, even if others can’t see that. So I really don’t know what lies in front of me and I shouldn’t be arrogant enough to claim that I do. There will always be more struggles, but there will be joy too, this is the paradox of life.
I really have taken so many huge risks this year, I really have opened myself up so much wider than ever before, I really have done things I never would’ve had the guts to do years ago. It’s okay if others can’t see that. This life is my own journey and no one else’s. Nothing is perfect, nothing will ever be perfect, there will always be pain and confusion. Still, I can make the choice to accept this. I want to thank God for being with me through this whole journey and never leaving my side even when it felt like it, that was only an illusion. God is always here with us and always on our side, whatever that means to you, there’s always a higher spirit believing in you, always.